Christmas.

I haven't written in this blog in a very long time... But I am going to start again. I wrote this on boxing day... It just contains some of my scrambled thoughts.

Yesterday was Christmas. I spent part of the morning sitting in my parent’s living room listening to my brother playing Damien Rice on his guitar. The sun was streaming through the big window and it smelt like lemongrass because of the incense my sister lit. My family didn’t really go all out for Christmas this year. Yesterday there were 6 presents sitting under the tree… There was one for each member in my family. The gifts are beginning to mean less and less because being with my family is enough. I love them all so much.

Today is Boxing Day. I spent the day snowshoeing in the mountains with my brother’s dog. We walked along paths untouched since the last snowfall. The silence surrounded us and I felt so small standing in the midst of many mountains. I needed to get away from the city for a day. I needed peace and quiet away from the chatter of everyday life. I followed the tracks of a deer for a while, and walked along a frozen creek. By the time I left the mountains my hair was messy and tangled from the wind blowing through it. There were twigs sticking out of my braid and my snow pants were covered in dirt. It really was a perfect day. I wish I could spend more days in the middle of nowhere, but work and school demand a lot of my attention. I love people, but I also love being alone… It’s how I refuel. I now feel like I can face another two weeks of work before school begins again.

 Now I am sitting alone in my room with The Glorious Unseen playing quietly in the background. The Christmas lights that line my pail yellow walls light my room, and the candles I lit are flickering on my bedside table.  A CS Lewis book sits beside me, waiting to be picked up and read. I cup of chamomile tea warms my hands and I feel so thankful. I am thankful for the Christmas lights, and the candles, and the book and the tea. I am thankful for the cozy blankets that I am wrapped in. I am thankful for the quiet music in the background and for the stillness of the evening… But more than any of that I am thankful that my Savior is here with me. I am thankful that Jesus, Emmanuel, became man to free sinners like me. I am thankful that He died the death that I deserve, and I am thankful I can live each day in His beautiful presence.

It really hit me this year. I have spent the past three Christmases being bitter. Bitter because of the way materialism fogged my mind, bitter because I have been working at a Starbucks in a mall for the past Christmases, and I get yelled at everyday by grumpy customers who just want to get there Christmas shopping over with. Bitter because all throughout December I have to leave for work 30 minutes early so I can find a parking spot… And it takes me the same amount of time to get out of the parking lot at the end of my shift. Bitter because every Christmas I thought to myself, “WHERE IS JESUS?” Where is Jesus in the crowded malls, and the materialism, and the busy parking lots? And this year it hit me… He has been here all along.

December 25th symbolizes the glorious day that God came in human form because He loves us. Because He loves us. That has hit me really hard this Christmas season. He sees my sin, and He sees the way I mess up over and over and over again. He sees the trash, and the dirt, and the selfishness. He sees it all, and He still came. He still came to love people and forgive people, and to die in our place. I will never understand that kind of love, but for it I am so thankful.

I know that if God took away the comfort that lies in the books I read, and in the candles I light, and in the music I play I would still be ok. I would be ok because I have everything I need in Jesus. 

Broken

I found this in my journal. I wrote it about 4 months ago while I was at Ambrose.

Broken. That’s what I am. I am utterly exhausted; I feel like every step drags me down further and further. It’s the dry seasons that exhaust me because I just feel like Christ isn’t enough. I am parched. I feel as though I am dying as I seem to walk further and further away from my creator. My thirst for the revelation of Jesus Christ is killing me, but I just feel as though I am not hearing his voice. I’m not feeling His gentle touch. I’m walking through this dry barren land…Broken.

Broken because I think I can do this alone, when in reality I can’t.

Broken because my feet hurt as I try to make this journey alone.

Broken because my heart just can’t handle this anymore.

And just when I think, ‘that’s is, I can’t do this anymore’ a gentle breeze tickles my check and I am quickly reminded that yes, he is good…So I take another step. It’s still hard and painful and my legs feel O…So heavy. I tell him I can’t go on and he shows me a small glimpse of his majesty: A sunrise, or a flower, or the sun over the cold, snowy river and I take another step. He beckons me to continue. My weak fragile bones scream at me stop, but I can’t stop. I must fight. Fight to feel close to him, fight to know he is tangible and alive and good… And then I collapse, knees buckle, exhaustion overtakes me, and I fall.

Broken, I fall into his outstretched arms and he gently catches me. I rest in the beauty of his presence and he brushes the hair out of my glistening eyes. He whips the tears from my tear stained cheeks and tells me I am beautiful. He calls me his daughter and he beckons me to rest.

Broken I come into his presence. Broken and exhausted, drained and sick, my emotions so raw. Yet, in the midst of all of this he whispers his deep, deep love for me even in the core of all my dirt and trash.

Beautiful. To him, I am truly beautiful. 

I haven't written in this blog for a long time. I write everyday, but they are scrambled thoughts put in the tattered pages of my journal. I don't feel broken like I used to. I am learning to listen to the voice of Jesus. I am learning to pursue His heart above everything else. I am learning to live in the moment.
The past 6 months have been challenging, but the challenge has been worth it because each day He gives me a little bit more of His heart. 

Maybe I'm Crazy...

When I was at the Canmore folk festival I briefly met this boy named Logan. We talked for about a minute and all that I gathered from him was his first name and that he currently lives in Nelson. This week I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him…And not in a creepy ‘I really like you’ kind of way, but in a ‘my heart is breaking for you’ kind of way. I went onto Facebook and typed in Logan and Nelson and his name was the first to appear. Ever since I saw his name on Facebook I felt as though I needed to do something, but I just wasn’t sure what…I felt as though God was telling me I needed to message him, but all I could think about was how creepy that would be.
One of my best friends, Amy Hafermehl, came to visit about a week ago. I told her about Logan and I told her I think I was supposed to send him a message. As soon as I said that I got extremely dizzy and I saw black spots everywhere. All Amy said to me was, ‘that was the Holy Spirit. You need to send this guy a message.’ I still couldn’t do it. I spent the next few days with knots in my stomach, but I knew I wouldn't have peace until I sent it. I wrote out the e-mail three times and as soon as I wrote it out I would delete it again.
I went to a church service on Monday night and a man I don’t know did a prophetic word over me. He said ‘there is something you are picturing right now…And you need to go and do that. You need to go through with what you feel like you have to do.’ As he said that I was picturing myself messaging Logan. I went home that night with the intentions of e-mailng him, but as soon as I sat at my computer I chickened out. My mind was filled with how strange I would appear to him.
The next morning at work I sat down to pray with a co-worker. She asked me how she could pray for me and I told her about Logan. I told her the story from start to finish and I told her my fears of messaging him. She prayed for me and made me send it right then. She would not leave me alone until I pressed the send button… And so I sent it. I sent a 700 word message about Jesus to a man I met for about a minute. Can you imagine his reaction? If I didn’t know Jesus and received a message like that I think I would be pretty creeped out… But I do know Jesus and I also know what the Holy Spirit had been beckoning me to do.
Now, all I can do is pray for him. I will pray for him every day until the Lord tells me I can stop. Who knows how long that will be for.
I want to share the message I sent to him.

Dear Logan,
You probably don’t remember me; we met on the last evening of the Canmore folk festival.
I am writing you this e-mail because I won’t have peace until I do. I am writing you this e-mail to tell you that there is hope… There is hope in the darkest of nights.
You see, I struggled with depression for 6 years of my life. I tried a lot of think to make myself feel something…But nothing worked. One night I tried to kill myself, but I failed. This woke me up to reality. Reality that I needed help…Now before I continue I want you to know that I am not accusing you of being depressed, I am simply sharing my story.
After high school I decided to go to bible school and although I had known about Jesus for a long time this was where I learned about his true character. This was where I really gave my life to Christ. I am not trying to shove Jesus down your throat…But I am trying to proclaim truth.
Jesus. His name is love and light and hope. His body was broken and beaten. His body was whipped and abused and tortured. He was mocked, he was laughed at, he was spat on and he was killed.
He died so we could live.
He died so we could live.
This isn’t the end of the story. He was proclaimed dead, but three days later he was raised. He defeated death!!
Jesus. His name brings joy. Jesus. His name is truth. Jesus. His name is freedom.
At bible school I learned to worship him through the trials. I learned that joy does not depend on my circumstances. Following Jesus isn’t easy…After the Canmore folk festival I wanted to ditch my faith and my friends and my family and I wanted to quit my job and meet people all over the world as I traveled…But that is not what God is calling me to do. God is calling me to live in Africa. I need to let go of my desires because I know that his are better…But this is not easy. I can promise you that following Jesus won’t always be easy, but I can promise you that it will be worth it.
I am sinful and my heart is really ugly. I am weak and I am broken, but he can take my dust and make it beautiful. For some crazy reason the same God who created the mountains and the stars and the flowers loves me and wants me…And he loves you and wants you… Every little part of you. He wants to show you who he is. He wants the dirt and the trash. He wants the hurt and the fears.
Satan will tell you that the drugs and the girls will feel good in the moment, and I am sure they will. But he doesn’t tell you about the dark nights and the feelings of hopelessness. He doesn’t tell you that you will need those things just to feel something.
I am sorry if you think I am insane…Actually that’s not true. I am not sorry…I am almost positive that if I didn’t know Jesus and I received an e-mail like this from someone I didn’t know I would be pretty creeped out…But I know what Jesus has been beckoning me to do and I cannot rest until it is done.
If you are really, truly happy I want you to carry on with your life. Disregard this e-mail. But if you know, deep down that you are searching for something else talk to Jesus. Tell him everything about yourself; he already knows it all but he wants to hear it from you. He already knows it all and he still loves you more than you can ever imagine. Listen to him. Quiet your mind and listen to his beautiful, gentle voice.
Yup…that’s about all I have to say. Have a good week.
- Jessica Ellis
P.S. If you have time search how he loves- John piper on youtube. This changed my life

Something To Say (Starfield)

And faith might mean there won't be answers

And hope might mean enduring through the night

But help me not forget in darkness

The things I believed in the light

Today I choose Joy.

This past weekend was one of the hardest weekends I have ever experienced… I went to the Canmore folk festival and I have never felt so pressured to leave behind my faith and pursue the things of this world. I got to hang out with Kim Churchill (one of my favorite musicians) and I hung out with this crazy group of hippies. We danced in the rain together and sang at the top of our lungs and as I hung out with this group of people I felt so many different emotions stir up in me. My flesh wanted to drop everything and leave with them. My flesh wanted to smoke weed with them. My flesh wanted to forget that I had ever lived for Jesus and pursue all the worldly desires that I have had… But my spirit beckoned me stay true to the one thing that will always remain constant. My spirit pulled me to remember the one person who will never let me go. My spirit reminded me that there is only one thing that will truly satisfy.

Jesus.

Jesus will truly satisfy. Jesus will always remain constant. Jesus will always be enough. He will always be enough. He will always be enough…

The day after the festival I spent the morning curled up in a ball on my bathroom floor weeping. I was weeping for all those lost souls, I was weeping for the brokenness and the confusion and the hurt in the lives of the people I met on the weekend. For many years I have been praying that my heart will break for what breaks God`s heart and this year that prayer was answered. I often wish I had never prayed for that because the pain I feel for other people is almost unbearable at times.

I am still not completely ok… But I am learning that it`s ok to not be ok.

I had fun this weekend, but deep down inside I felt lost. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of broken people. I felt no contentment because I was trying so hard to find satisfaction in the things of this world. I felt empty because I wasn`t striving to be like Jesus. I heard people talk about the beauty of the mountains that surrounded the festival, but I didn`t hear people marvel at the beauty of God`s fingertips.

I pray that I can be a light. I pray that I can proclaim your name in the midst of darkness. I am sorry for worshiping the created rather than the creator.
I pray that I will choose joy; not because I am happy and not because I feel ok, but because you are crazy about me and because you died so I can live. I pray that I will choose joy because in all these crazy seasons of my life you are the one thing that remains constant and unchanging.  I pray for Logan and for Jaral and for all the other crazy hippies I met this weekend. I pray for the people I danced with on Saturday night and I pray for Kim Churchill. I pray for Jeremy Fischer and for anyone else that I met throughout the past three days. I pray that they will discover you in a beautiful, intimate way. I pray that they will fall madly in love with you… In love with you and you alone.
Remind me that you are moving even though I can`t see you. Remind me that you are speaking even though I can`t hear you…And in the midst of this darkness I pray that your sweet name will remain the first on my lips, the first on my mind.
Jesus.
I need you more than life.

You Make Everything New

What you say always speaks to what I need…But what if I can’t hear you?
I feel empty. I don’t feel passionate about anything right now. My passion for music and people and life and even Africa feels as though it’s being sucked out of me and all that’s left is the dull thud of my heart. All I can do is continue breathing and I’ll put one foot in front of the other as the Lord quietly tells me where to go next…But as I read Kisses from Katie I feel the passion for Africa stir.

I only found about this book a couple weeks ago when 3 people randomly told me throughout the same day that I need to read it...As I read her story I feel as though I can relate to her in so many ways even though I haven't been to Africa in four years. She has this passion for the people and she has this love that she seems to just pour out on the them...This love that can only come from Christ. 

As I read her words I just know…That is where I need to be. For some crazy, stupid reason the bugs and the dirt and the stench bring tears to my eyes. That is where I want to be…That is where I need to be. I need to be on that land with those children who have nothing but the clothes on their back and each other. I need to walk in that dirt and be surrounded by the beautiful, vast landscape. I need to sleep under the star filled, wide sky with the bugs that will probably be crawling all over me while I sleep. I need to feel the hot sun beating down on my face as I walk through the dry heat towards a hut where a family sits together hungry and sick. My heart breaks for them as I see pain in their eyes, but I have been sent to tell that there is hope. There is hope in the darkest of nights, there is hope in the exhaustion and sadness.

I need to know what it’s like to not have the comforts of the life I live now. I don’t want a pantry full of food. I don’t want a closest full of clothes. I don’t want a house with seven bedrooms. I want to live in the midst of poverty.

My candle is lit; I am on fire for God

for this place, for theses people.

My purpose here is to spread His light.

One candle can light up my entire room.

Jesus can light up this entire nation,

and my flame can be a part of that.

I am blown away that my God.

who could do this all by Himself,

would choose to let me be a little part of it.

Katie Davis 

My Soul Longs For You

O God, you are my God

I earnestly seek you;

my soul thirsts for you

my body longs for you

in a dry and weary land

where there is not water

I have seen you in the sanctuary

and behold your power and glory

because your love is better than life

my lips will glorify you

I will praise you as long as I live

and in your name I will life my hands

My soul will be satisifed as with the

richest of food

with singing lips my mouth will praise you

Psalm 63:1-5