Today I choose Joy.

This past weekend was one of the hardest weekends I have ever experienced… I went to the Canmore folk festival and I have never felt so pressured to leave behind my faith and pursue the things of this world. I got to hang out with Kim Churchill (one of my favorite musicians) and I hung out with this crazy group of hippies. We danced in the rain together and sang at the top of our lungs and as I hung out with this group of people I felt so many different emotions stir up in me. My flesh wanted to drop everything and leave with them. My flesh wanted to smoke weed with them. My flesh wanted to forget that I had ever lived for Jesus and pursue all the worldly desires that I have had… But my spirit beckoned me stay true to the one thing that will always remain constant. My spirit pulled me to remember the one person who will never let me go. My spirit reminded me that there is only one thing that will truly satisfy.

Jesus.

Jesus will truly satisfy. Jesus will always remain constant. Jesus will always be enough. He will always be enough. He will always be enough…

The day after the festival I spent the morning curled up in a ball on my bathroom floor weeping. I was weeping for all those lost souls, I was weeping for the brokenness and the confusion and the hurt in the lives of the people I met on the weekend. For many years I have been praying that my heart will break for what breaks God`s heart and this year that prayer was answered. I often wish I had never prayed for that because the pain I feel for other people is almost unbearable at times.

I am still not completely ok… But I am learning that it`s ok to not be ok.

I had fun this weekend, but deep down inside I felt lost. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of broken people. I felt no contentment because I was trying so hard to find satisfaction in the things of this world. I felt empty because I wasn`t striving to be like Jesus. I heard people talk about the beauty of the mountains that surrounded the festival, but I didn`t hear people marvel at the beauty of God`s fingertips.

I pray that I can be a light. I pray that I can proclaim your name in the midst of darkness. I am sorry for worshiping the created rather than the creator.
I pray that I will choose joy; not because I am happy and not because I feel ok, but because you are crazy about me and because you died so I can live. I pray that I will choose joy because in all these crazy seasons of my life you are the one thing that remains constant and unchanging.  I pray for Logan and for Jaral and for all the other crazy hippies I met this weekend. I pray for the people I danced with on Saturday night and I pray for Kim Churchill. I pray for Jeremy Fischer and for anyone else that I met throughout the past three days. I pray that they will discover you in a beautiful, intimate way. I pray that they will fall madly in love with you… In love with you and you alone.
Remind me that you are moving even though I can`t see you. Remind me that you are speaking even though I can`t hear you…And in the midst of this darkness I pray that your sweet name will remain the first on my lips, the first on my mind.
Jesus.
I need you more than life.